BOTTOM MANIFESTO

On The Politics of Being a Top and a Bottom
by Diego Nuevo
diego@biggayapple.com

One of our dear co-workers here at the Big Gay Apple and I have a tendency to argue over what exactly entails being a “top” and being a “bottom”. Well, "arguing" isn't the right term. It's mostly my inspiring soliloquies and his typical befuddlement. Unfortunately, we aren’t given a book of rules when we come out of the closet. So we get kind of stuck making up our own, as we wander around the gay world.

But since we have to start our existences from scratch (no role models, no silver screen heroes or family anecdotes for us to take as examples of conduct), we often settle for very little. In a community so scarred by years of acting (pretend to be something one is not as survival strategy), it is easy for us to end up victims of our own dishonesty. Example: acting as if we are enjoying a blow job just because it would seem “ridiculously non-masculine” for one to not enjoy receiving head.

Except that maybe some people don’t like getting head. Just like some don’t like giving it (just ask my dad). So it is quite dangerous for us to get tangled around this web of lies and libidinal dishonesty that we sometimes inherit from the closet days.

To clear things up, here is a set of guidelines you can refer to when in doubt about the idiosyncrasies of bottom-hood and top-hood.

Myth #1: All Gay Men Like to Get Fucked
Well, that would be the impression, specially if one lives in New York City. But it just so happens that, unfortunately, most out gay men are bottoms, so if you are out and about you are more likely to see queens foaming at the mouth for a good dick than anything else. Tops are more likely to be closeted (the whole masculinity thing comes more naturally to them), so we have to seek them out. Perhaps, if straight men actually knew they didn't have to get fucked when having sex with other men, more of them would come to our team. But labeling all gays as "feminine creatures dying to get pounded in the butt" is just another defense mechanism the heterosexual hegemony uses to keep "gays" as foreign to "non-gays" as possible.

Myth #2: Versatility Exists
You’ve obviously heard people say “I’m versatile”. Sure, and my eyes are naturally blue. Versatility is a psychological impossibility. When it comes to sexual desire, one can't be prone to move forward and backwards. Yeah, the behavior exists, but not the biological disposition. So bitches, jot it down: versatile equals total bottom according to my fag hag’s book, and I’m with her. They are nothing but greedy leeches trying to get as much action as they can by pretending they enjoy doing both – when in fact they will spread their legs 180 degrees as soon as the lights go off.

Myth #3: Tops Suck Dick
If they start reaching for your junk, that’s when you know they are just big closeted bottoms. Real tops don’t suck dick, that’s for fags only. A real top helps you abstract the fact that you have a phallus. That’s their job.

Myth #4: Tops and Bottoms are Both Just As Gay
No. Bottoms are gay, Tops are just altruistic. Bottoms have good taste, sip on Cosmos, read Sylvia Plath and lip-synch to “Since U Been Gone”. Tops take the garbage out, build things and never watch subtitled movies. Bottoms read Nietzsche, tops don’t read at all (Mystery novels at the most -- though that’s even pushing it). Bottoms tweeze, Tops don’t even know how to work a pair of tweezers. Bottoms decorate, Tops couldn’t care less. Bottoms have feelings, Tops are too manly to waste their time with those. Bottoms like luxury, Tops would sleep on the hard floor if they had too (they are probably used to from their military days).
So basically bottoms are the gay ones, Tops are just straight guys who see pussy when they look at boy ass.

Myth #5: Tops Enjoy Having Their Asses Eaten
I’m sorry but if you like getting a tongue up in there, you like getting a dick there too. The sizes are different but the action is basically the same. So Bottoms, beware, if he puts his ass on your face, that’s when you know it’s over.

Myth #6: “I Would Only Bottom With A Boyfriend…”
Yeah, we’ve all heard this one. Which is like when they say “I never bareback, only with you”. For some reason I doubt these bitches would, out of mad love, completely change their biological make up and allow their asses to be penetrated. Girlfriend wanted to get rammed ever since middle school for sure.

Myth #7: "I'm 8 inches"
Apparently, what was supposed to be the least ambiguous of all things (measuring units) is suddenly in the eye of the beholder. It’s the whole 5-foot-7 rule: you have to take out 20 percent. When they say they are 5-foot-7, expect 5-foot-5 when they walk through the door. And have you noticed how many 39-year-olds there are on Manhunt? It’s like we freeze our age when we hit that mark. Same thing with inches, everyone has 8. And on Adam4Adam, 9 is the new 8. So if you are a size queen -- and you know you are -- then always expect a 7. Anything above that will just be profit.

So hopefully that clears a bit of the confusion regarding gays' two genders. Bookmark this post and you shall never be confused again. Next time a Faux Top approaches you, catch them in the act and direct him to our blog, bitches.

for more Diego, check out his personal blog: www.DonDiegoOnline.blogspot.com