United Colors of Benetton

A Politically Incorrect Guide To Fucking the Right Race
by Diego Nuevo
diego@biggayapple.com

Long before the new year my fag hag and I made an intimate, long overdue pact: no more white guys. We are far from being racist, we are just experienced. And experience (extensive field work) has proved to us the fact behind the myth: white men, in bed, really are -- more often than not -- completely sterile, predictable, overtly considerate and devoid of any passionate cell in their bodies.

Whether that’s innate or acquired remains to be discovered. But most likely, they have simply allowed politically correct culture to seep into their sexuality and annihilate all of their little perversions.

It used to be our inside joke in college that white guys show you their yearbook and their new computer when they invite you to their dorm. Latin guys pay you compliments (in another language!) and bend you right over. White guys ask you if they are hurting you, you almost have to fuck yourself for them -- using them as a dildo. While foreign guys have it down to an instinctive art.

So the hag and I narrowed our palette down to:

1. Brazilians: there seems to be barely any difference between rape and regular sex underneath the Equator, and they do it like each time was their last.
2. Cubans: let’s see, if the only way you can leave your island is by fleeing it by boat or swimming for miles, you kind of just have to be a butch machine by default. And we like that.
3. Any Other Latin Country: especially if they go by the name of Marcelo, Rodrigo, Eduardo. Or the generic ones (Jose, Juan). If they speak no English that’s a plus. Easier to objectify. Illegal aliens also get extra points. Crossing the border barefoot, followed by cops and minute-men, dodging bullets and hunger makes you one hot butch motherfucker. Bottoms would never be able to handle it. They’d collapse. Versatiles, the little greedy frauds, would stay right in the middle of the border, confused on which way to go, I suppose. Trying to suck Mexican dick and expecting to get social security, the bitches.
4. African-Americans: unlike their truly African counterparts, black Americans don’t have that much more advantage over whites -- it’s more a matter of higher speed as far as the pumping goes, than better quality. But we’ll take speedy over dull slow ‘mo anytime.
5. Butch Asians: now, Asians get a bad rep for being, stereotypically, unquestionable bottoms legs wide open just waiting to get gangbanged. Not always the case. If any of the pigeonholing is true is the fact that they repress their feelings. And there is nothing sexier than a silent top with bottled up emotions: they’ve got to take out their frustration somewhere. And if that involves our ass we are definitely game.

Obviously this is a light-hearted rendition of gay sexual types according to race, but it goes without saying that race is mere cultural fabrication and the Big Gay Able in no way condones discrimination. But the gap between white and non-white sexuality is so huge that one is forced to wonder. How do some of us end up experiencing sex as mere bodily function, something to satiate so that we can go back to work. And others see it as this irrational, organic, blinding metaphysical necessity.

I suppose a culture of parents that charge their kids rent when they turn 18 and sends birthday wishes on e-cards can’t give its youth enough love for it to pass on. And those who are very familiar with the real misery can see clearer that a physical connection is not something to take on lightly.