Cum-Dumped!

Behind the sperm-stained carpet
by Diego Nuevo
diego@biggayapple.com

Last week I was supposed to audition this 19-year-old bottom for one of our videos. Girlfriend was completely lost in SoHo, trying to find my place. Sweetie, get out of the subway and walk 4 blocks east, it’s not that hard. Anyway, that’s when you know their bottom-ness is legit. I have always thought tops were good for more than doing all the work in bed and taking the garbage out – they can serve as our human-flesh GPS systems too. Too bad this twink obviously didn’t have one.

“So, like, what are the cross streets or whatever?”, he asks. “We need to know”. We? Excuse me. Bringing another human being to a porn audition is not on the book of porn etiquette last time I checked.

So when he comes through the door I am surprised to see that he didn’t bring his Craigslist trick along, but his fag hag. Good God; fag hag critics already claim these girls are self-esteem lacking overweight drama queens pathetically in love with their fags. But you know you’ve hit rock bottom, as a hag, when you are dragged to your fag’s porn audition.

But I play it cool and ask her if she wants to watch. “It doesn’t matter”, he says, “we, like, shower together all the time”. To which she laughs, hysterically, the way hags do – that mix of “I can only be myself when you are around” with “let me surround myself with as many gay men as possible so that I am not forced to remember most girls look better than me”. I mean, if you are an ugly ewe, might as well hang out with some piglets, the complete difference in species will inevitably shun obvious aesthetic comparisons.

Well, for me it matters so I ask her if she wouldn't mind reading the New Yorker in the living room while we do our thang. “Oh, fab”, she says, of course. And I know she’ll only read the cartoons. Maybe "Shouts & Murmurs" if they're really short this week.

In the audition room (a.k.a. my bedroom) the twink takes off his clothes and reveals that his hag is from Long Island (check), doesn’t have a boyfriend (check) and will go cocktail-dress hunting with him after the audition (check).

And it gets me thinking, who is objectifying who, really? The fag using these awkward girls who just happened to be blessed with a pussy, so they can vicariously fuck straight men; or the hag, reducing gay men to their even-lower-in-the-social-ladder consolation and queer eye stylist archetype. He indirectly appropriates her pussy, all the while serving her as a reminder that maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t actually have it that bad.

Like the Canadian struggling to renew his visa who suddenly looks at the Mexican, who can’t even “pass” as anything but himself.

Convenient, this co-dependence, if not a bit perverse.

for more Diego, check out his personal blog: www.DonDiegoOnline.blogspot.com