Go West Young Man

For my first few posts, I thought It would be the good and decent thing to do to delve into the underbelly of the four gayest neighborhoods (Has anyone used the term gayborhood before?) of the city. If you’ve had a chance to spend some time New York, you’ll know I’m referring to The West Village, The East Village, Chelsea, and lately Hell’s Kitchen. I have made it my duty, to hurl myself into every hole-in-the-wall, get icky and sticky at every club, and find just how sordid and different boys from the hoods can be. We’ve got it all here! Every fetish, perversion, build, and body part that you can think of has found a home somewhere in one of these four different gay niches…

We’re starting at the beginning.

Picture it. Judy Garland is dead. A one Ms. Sing Hallelujah Come On Get Happy has swallowed her last gin and codeine mixer and the gay fella’s in the West Village are mourning one of the few women that that actually gave them an erection. Judy Judy Judy…What are we gonna do without you girl? Just as the trolley dings for the fiftieth time, the doors of the gay bar The Stone Wall is forced open, and the scantily clad police chief with all of his strong arms bust through. It’s another raid.

But this time the queens of Christopher Street have had enough and they ain’t gonna take it anymore.

“Not today!” One screams “

All of the sudden the sky turns black. All of Gay New York flies into the streets. The Lollypop League appears to your right, Liza with a Z slides down the sidewalk sporting her black leotard , and a plethora of uppers and downers fall from the sky. The gay civil rights movement is in full swing.

Actually this never happened, but it makes a great story. Here's the real skinny.

The West Village is where the gay rights movement began!

In 1969 after a raid at Stone Wall Inn, the gays took to the streets in protest of their inequality. It was a dramatic scene indeed. Cops getting crazy with their nightsticks, trannies chucking beer bottles in rebellion…The riots went on for three nights, eventually turning into a more civilized protest land marking the gay rights movement…History lesson over, now I’ll tell ya where you can get shitfaced and laid.

Honestly, when you’re cruising the Village I think you should always start at Stonewall Inn. Yep it’s still there. Stop off a little after 4:00pm, have a couple of beers and give thanks to the pioneers who had the balls, tits or both to step up to the man so you can now walk hand in hand with the trick of your choice on Christopher Street any time of day.

Stonewall Inn
53 Christopher Street

After you’ve tossed a couple back at Stonewall, ya GOTTA check out the Hanger. This may be the oddest gay bar I’ve ever been too. It has this dive-bar vibe that personally kinda gets me all horned up. You’ll read on line that this is not the place to meet hot guys but I beg to differ. Though this is not a spot for high fashion (nor does it want to be) I have felt up three different absofuckinglutly hot hot guys at the Hanger. This place just does something to me…

The Hanger
115 Christopher Street

So now you’re buzzed, (I hope) and ya need some food. Before you hit a hotdog cart off the street, why don’t you consolidate your time and continue to drink while eating a fabulous homo burger topped with with special homo secret sauce...

At Julius’ (Arguably the oldest gay bar in the city) they usually have the grill going so’s the adorable studs can soak up the booze with a bun and keep the night going. While at Julius, ask one of the patrons about the place. They’ll be happy to give you a play by play of the celebrity cruising that has occurred over the years. (These are the worst/best gossips I’ve ever met…

Julius
159 West 10th Street

Alright fella’s it’s piano bar time. Oh Yes. The Duplex, Marie’s Crisis and Roses Turn are all in a quaint little triangle right off of Christopher Street. Get out your sheet music and get ready to see some off the wall shit. I’m talking Jersey girls screaming Billy Joel lyrics while almost weeping on their bar stools

The talented staff at these places will take your breath away when they hit those high notes and shake their, well whatever they choose to shake on a given night.

The shit-faced Broadway boys bellied up to the bar trying desperately to remember lyrics to songs that they have just performed in an audition that same afternoon is another site entirely.
Oh yeah, and if you stand close enough to the Piano at Marie’s Crisis you might luck out with some of your own ebony or ivory to tickle after the set.

The Duplex
61 Christopher Street

Rose’s Turn
55 Grove Street

Marie’s Crisis
59 Grove Street

As we wind up our night there are a couple of options in the West Village. If the vibe is low key with a twist of cute trashy fun I recommend that you stop off an avenue over and hit Pieces.

This place is great. The bartenders are easy going and cute, there’s a pool table, and the off the Avenue entrance makes it the perfect spot to find some sinister fun. Maybe if you're lucky you'll hook up with a serial killer.

Pieces
8 Christopher Street

Now, if you were planning on cutting loose on the dance Flo (not a typo…It’s how I say floor) There is no better place in the West Village than The Monster. The bar upstairs reminds me of a sort of indoor Tiki Bar. There’s plenty of space, it’s well lit, and there are windows on all sides for classic and tragic late night West Village street ogling. The dance floor downstairs is dark, loud, and kinda stinky in that sexy eighties porn sorta way.
I promise you three things if you end your night at the Monster.

1.) Someone will grab your ass and or crotch

2.) You will see a lesbian couple break up and make up again with in a half hour time span.
3.) Someone will call you Papi.

The Monster
80 Grove Street

That about raps up my tour of the West Village. At the end of each of my posts I’ll let you know a couple of things:

Who you’re most likely to hook up with: Hot daddies, Sexy chorus boys, or maybe a Papi of your own.

Chances of getting laid: 90%. If you’re too caught up in the history of the West Village or too drunk ya might just opt to collapse by yourself. Though this is not likely.