I saw Blondie walking out of a deli with a six pack

I’m a rock star? Oh you didn’t know that? Don’t you think I look like a rock star? Don’t you think I walk like a rock star, smoke like a rock star, party like a rock star, fuck like a rock star? Oh yeah, I’m a rock star and I want to get pissed with you in the East Village. Come with me or I’m going to bash my electric guitar over your head and then pass out. Oh yes, I’m a rock star indeed…

The East Village is by far the dirtiest, craziest, sleaziest, and most fun of all the gayborhoods in the great city of New York. There’s something about walking down St. Marks and seeing those hot strung out sixties throwbacks that makes me want to chug a bottle of Jack, get something pierced, and then go find a sex club so I can show everyone what I just had pierced, have crazy sex in a sling, and then pass out.

The East Village makes me want to be British. The East Village makes me want to take a pool cue, break it over my knee, grab that hot homeless looking boy standing with his hands in his pocket (He’s actually a freshman at NYU) and say, “Lets get the fuck out of this fucking city you sweet bitch.” And I don’t even swear.

Okay so’s if you wanna be a rock star too, come with me on this magic carpet ride I call life…

The best thing about the East village is the people watching. The boys in the East Village claim an anything goes style that makes each bar hotter than the next.

I like to start my night at Nowhere Bar on 14th Street. Not only does the two-for-one make NowWhere one of the cheapest places drink, it also brings a hot crowd. A great mix of the oh-so-experimental college boys and uptown working stiffs who are both looking to find someone to rub out the tensions of last week.
My favorite place to chill in Nowhere Bar is this little corner sofa area across from the pool table. It’s a perfect place to sit, see and be scene. Also the low sofas makes it really easy to get an out of site hand-job, so’s I’d look before I sat down if I were you, especially if it’s later in the evening.



Nowhere Bar
322 East 14th Street



After happy hour, you have a myriad of choices when hanging in the E.V.

Remember, the East Village is teaming with college boys. And where there are beautiful financially strapped twinks, there are also great drinking deals. For a cool and consistent good time I love to swing by Phoenix on Wednesdays for their dollar draft night. Starting at 10:00pm this is one of the biggest nights at the bar. By 10:30pm the place is usually balls to the wall full of hot eighties porn doubles. The crowd is always cute and friendly and the music is second to none; important if you’re a rock star like me.



The Phoenix
447 E 13th Street


If you’re itching for a pool game, or to act out a scene from The Accused hit up the Boiler Room. This bar is a trashy good time. It reminds me of my days in the Midwest; underage, drunk, and horny. And you can look ohhh so hot pressed up against the pinball machine in the corner. Much like the Hanger in the West Village, there’s something wonderfully sleazy about the Boiler Room. What can I say; the place perks me (by me, I mean my wang) up every time. This is probably my favorite place in the city for a drunken make out. Swing on by I may just might shove my tongue down your throat…And then pass out. …


The Boiler Room
86 E 4th Street


When you’re ready to get super nasty make your way down to Boys Room.
This on again off again club has never failed to make my jaw drop. From sweaty go go boys to live acts that will make your jaw go down and your dick go up, Boy’s Room is the primary spot when it comes to a dirty night out.

Boys Room
211 Avenue A

And where oh where after all of this could we possibly end our night? The Cock of course! Just to let you know how quickly this city changes, I knew the Cock when it used to be the Hole…How’s that for fucking with those tourist heads. The cock was, is, and always will be the best, funkiest, darkest, and most sexually charged bar in the East Village. It’s a great place to people watch while someone is grabbing your crotch. Whatever it may be, if ya want to do it, you can do it at the cock. See ya there rock star!

The Cock
29 2nd Avenue

So now we’ve ended out night, but who will we be going home with. In the East village it’s anyone’s guess, but you can guess it will be with someone.

Chance of getting laid: 99.9%
Who you’re going home with: NYU Twink, hot musician, suckable vampire, leather top, or all of em’ combined.