STDs: Which One Are You?

by Diego

Don't you just love it when you get an email from some guy saying: "Hi, it's Sammy, what's up tonight?". Excuse me? It's who? And then you trace it back and you find that the last time you communicated with this online trick was 4 months ago. So Sammy actually expects you to remember who he is? Even if you had sucked Sammy off you wouldn't remember who he was. But you two haven't even met. In fact, you've only exchanged a couple of emails, but it was 2 in the morning on a Tuesday and you guys decided to take a "rain check" -- gay code for "I'll never see you again ever".

Emails like Sammy's are just rude. Like a straight nurse asking you "How many partners have you had in the past 6 months?". Excuse me? Haven't really learned how to count to infinity yet, mam. What the fuck? Which fag actually counts? Are straight people so sexually miserable they can count on their fingers the amount of cock they've sucked throughout six entire months?

And, then, if you decide to guess a number (ie. lie, subtracting 36 guys or more), they also expect your figures to be under half a dozen or something. These people need to be re-trained, I'm sorry. You do not deal with gay sexuality in a clinical setting the same way you deal with straights. It's like apples and oranges. Or nuns and hookers. Or Brits and Brazilians.

Anyway, this brings me to the original reason for being of this post: STD testing. If you have nearly as much sex as I do, you should also be visiting your local STD Clinic as often as I do too. I know it's scary and all. It's like going to Target: you know you will get out of there with something. Crabs if you're really lucky, gonorrhea if you're medium lucky, herpes if this is not your day, and we all know which one if you've been reaaally bad. In fact, that's the thing, you never know. So even if you haven't been reaaally bad, you could come out HIV-positive, right? And what does "being bad" mean, anyway? You swallowed a couple of times? You barebacked with a boyfriend, or two, or three, or nine? You let a Craigslist trick "loosen you up" bare, but he never came in you? You never even barebacked, but the condom broke once. Or maybe it didn't, and you're still freaked out?

The truth is being gay is a neurotic affair. It never feels like real sex, there's always that latex wall in the middle. And if it does feel real, it's not even worth it, because we will likely be"punished" by some nasty STD later. So might as well just fucking settle, move to Long Island and raise a couple of Golden Retrievers and a few Asian babies and call it a life?

Well, in the meantime, getting tested is the least you can do. Below you will find every single FREE STD Clinic in the New York City area. My fave is the Chelsea one (on 9th Avenue), because it's the only one I've ever been and I'm against going north of 28th street -- there's just nothing to do (you can import Harlem boys without having to go anywhere -- they always travel).

The Chelsea Clinic recently got rid of their bulky 1989 TV set and got a plasma-like one for their main waiting room. But the DVD is still the same, "Philadelphia" every day, all day long. Maybe it's time we make a new AIDS movie, anyone?

You take a number, fill out this form, sit down and wait for some matter-of-fact large black woman to call you out. On a good day (Tuesday at 10 a.m.), it'll take only 15 minutes, but during peak hours (see, it's like the gym) expect a 1 hour wait.

Then, she'll ask you why you're there. You can get tested for any STD or HIV, or everything at once. The first time takes longer, but once you've become a regular, you're out of there very quick. They give you a folder (free!) with a testing tube in it and some other stuff. You go to the 2nd floor, drop off the folder and wait. Between 10 minutes to 1 hour and a half.

The clientele is very mixed: from tex-messaging teenage girls to Wall Street types. It's less awkward than you'd think. It's New York City, so you're not gonna know anyone there, trust me. This is the worst part because you have to endure this particularly awful educational video about people discovering their HIV status. And you have to watch the whole thing twice: once in English and once in Spanish. Of course all the "actors" in the video are minorities, which is fine. But most of the acting is pretty horrific (except for this one black girl with a hat on), but one of the guys is pretty hot -- and he turns out to be negative in the video too.

When they call your name they hand you a cup for urine samples and explain how to do it in groups. So it's you and like five other kids with their own urine cups in hand listening to the Asian nurse. The nurses scream numbers out all the time, real loudly, like this was their momma's house. It totally seems like they are just belting out random numbers just to entertain themselves and fuck with our heads. A random viewer could even take the whole thing for an experimental performance piece at The Kitchen. Thirty Seven. Thirty Nine. Five Hundred. Letter B. Letter A. Five M. What? Is there a system here?

Anyway, you will then bend over and get a q-tip up your ass and then get your blood drawn. Wait a week or two to call for the results and good luck, bitch.

Manhattan

Central Harlem
2238 Fifth Avenue (137th Street)
New York, NY 10037
Travel Information: #2 train to 135th Street
Map

• STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, Hepatitis C screening for high risk patients, & HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
  Monday thru Friday, 8:30 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
  Saturday, 8:30 a.m. — 12:00 p.m.
  (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00 P.M. EVERY THIRD FRIDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)

East Harlem
158 East 115th Street (off Lexington Avenue)
New York, NY 10029
Travel Information: #6 train to 116th Street
Map

• Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
  8:30am to 4:00pm
  HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing only
• Monday and Friday — "NO DOCTOR SERVICES"
  8:30am to 4:00pm
  (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY THIRD FRIDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)

Chelsea
303 Ninth Avenue (28th Street)
New York, NY 10001
Travel Information: C or E trains to 23rd Street or #1 or #9 to 28th Street
Map

• STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B Vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, Hepatitis C screening for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
  Monday thru Friday — 8:30am to 4:00pm (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY FIRST WEDNESDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
  Saturday, 8:30 a.m. — 12:00 p.m.

Riverside
160 West 100th Street (between Columbus/Amsterdam)
New York, NY 10025
Travel Information: #1, #9, B, C, to 96th Street
Map

• STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, Hepatitis C screening for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
  Monday thru Friday — 8:30am to 4:00pm (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY THIRD WEDNESDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
• NOTE: Staff meeting changed from June 20th and will take place on Friday June 8th. Clinic will close at 12 noon on WEDNESDAY JUNE 8th for staff training.

Bronx

Morrisania
1309 Fulton Avenue (E 169th Street off 3rd Ave)
Bronx, NY 10456
Travel Information: #55 or #15 bus to 169th Street/3rd Avenue
Map

• STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, Hepatitis C screening for high risk patients & HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
  Monday thru Friday — 8:30am-4:00pm (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY SECOND FRIDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
  

Staten Island

Richmond
51 Stuyvesant Place (Wall Street)
Staten Island, NY 10301
Map

• Thursday 8:30am to 4:00pm
  STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid testing.
• Monday,Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday "-NO DOCTOR SERVICES"
  8:30am to 4:00pm (INTAKE CLOSES AT 11:00PM EVERY LAST FRIDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
  HIV Counseling and Rapid HIV Testing only.

Brooklyn

Crown Heights

The Crown Heights clinic is temporarily closed due to renovation. Relocated to Bushwick:

Bushwick Clinic
335 Central Avenue (between Linden St and Grove St)
Brooklyn, NY 11221
Map

STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, Hepatitis C screening for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
Monday thru Friday – 8:30am to 4:00pm (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY LAST WEDNESDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)

Travel Direction to Bushwick Clinic
By Bus: The # 46, at Utica Ave. bus, to Gates Avenue. Change for the # 52 at Gates and travel East to Central Ave. Walk on Central Ave., against the traffic, until you reach 335 Central Ave.

By Bus: The # 44 Nostrand Ave bus to Gates. Take the Gates Ave.# 52 bus to Central Ave.

To get to this Clinic from Crown Heights:
Walk to Utica Ave. and take the #46 bus to Gates. Change at Gates and take the # 52 to Central

Fort Greene (NOTE: The clinic will close at 2:00pm on 12/19/06)
295 Flatbush Ave. Extension 2nd Flr.
Brooklyn, NY 11201
Travel Information:
#2, #3, #5 trains to Nevins Avenue
N, R, D trains to Dekalb Avenue
Map

• STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
  Monday thru Friday — 8:30-4:00 (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY LAST FRIDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
  Saturday, 8:30 a.m. — 12:00 p.m.

Queens

Corona
34-33 Junction Blvd. (Roosevelt/Northern)
Jackson Heights, NY 11372
Travel Information: #7 train to Junction Blvd.; #72 bus to 35th Avenue
Map

• Tuesday and Friday
  8:30am to 4:00pm
  STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing
• Monday, Wednesday and Thursday -- "NO DOCTOR SERVICES"
  8:30am to 4:00pm (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY LAST THURSDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
  HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing only

Jamaica
90-37 Parsons Blvd. 1st Flr. (off Jamaica Ave.)
Jamaica, NY 11432
Travel Information: E, S, J train to Parsons Blvd.
Map

• STD Services, Emergency Contraception, Hepatitis B vaccine, Hepatitis A vaccine for high risk patients, Hepatitis C screening for high risk patients, HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing:
  Monday thru Friday — 8:30 - 4:00 (INTAKE CLOSES AT 12:00PM EVERY LAST THURSDAY OF EACH MONTH FOR MANDATORY STAFF MEETING)
  Saturday, 8:30 a.m. — 12:00 p.m.

Rockaway
(Operated by Joseph P. Addabbo Health Center)
67-19 Rockaway Beach Blvd. (Addabbo Health Center)
Queens, NY 11692
Travel Information: A train to Beach 67th.
Map

• STD Services & Confidential HIV Counseling and Rapid Testing
  Monday thru Friday — 9:00-5:00
  Please note: Addabbo Health Center is not a DOHMH site, and may charge for emergency contraception.

For more information on AIDS/HIV and other Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Call 311.

For more blogs by Diego, click right here.