I Saw The Kim Kardashian Sex Tape And You Didn’t

Just so you don’t waste $30 on watching a failed rapper and a half-famous pseudo-socialite have sex, I will tell you what you’re missing:

• Ray J.’s dick is pretty hot, it’s one of those cocks that sort of scoff at penile symmetry: a bit crooked to the right, an extremely thick vein all the way across it. I’m guessing it is a good 8.5 inches, cut.
• They bareback! What’s up with straight people thinking they are immune to stds? And they could even get pregnant too. Double whammy.
• Kim Kardashian embodies the stereotypical hetero female in a relationship: her “no’s” mean “yes”, her orgasms are pathetically fake and she is constantly performing – feigning shyness and disinterest. As if she is taking no pleasure in being a complete whore. When she is actually more of a freak than Ray J. While he just does his thing quietly, she is the one talking dirty (“Are you gonna cum right inside this pussy? I want you to fuck me hard until you cum”).
• Kim is such a lazy bottom! She makes no effort whatsoever. She just lies there, heiress-like, getting her pussy eaten, shouting the occasional “you’re gonna make me cum, baby” to let him know she hasn’t fallen asleep.
• Ray J. is one of those interruption-prone tops. You know, those tops who fuck you real fast, but then stop all of a sudden to do some unnecessary thing like make out with you or something. We'd get us a versatile if we wanted to kiss! Or a bottom, if we wanted "affection". Totally kills the mood. At that point, they should know to only stop pumping after pulling the hair, spitting on the face and having called us at least three nasty names (such as "cunt", "fucking bitch" or "faggot" -- my fave).
• Ray J. is not a boob guy. Although he spends a considerable amount of time eating Kim’s punani, he never once sucks on or even touches her tities. Which, even I would have done.
• The tape by Vivid Entertainment is a rip-off. Divided in 8 parts, half of which is just the same shots from the first parts repeated with different sound bites we already heard. Surprisingly, its most entertaining parts are the couple’s non-sexual candid moments in the hotel rooms, airplane and the beach. Specially if you don’t have a life, it’s quite fascinating to have a look into how strangers canoodle and play the love game.

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