Call me old fashioned, but these quick and easy internet hookups just aren’t for me. I can’t just see someone’s dick photo, trek across town, and show up at a strangers place for a little slap and tickle. Needless to say, I don’t really date much!
So I was pleasantly surprised when my friend Robert told me he had arranged a blind date for me with one of his co-workers. “You’ll like him’ he promised. “Very smart, and sexy and very very stylish”.
We arranged to meet at the Starbucks on 43rd and 8th, since we both work near Times Square. I sat there, nursing a Caramel Macchiato and fantasizing about my mystery man, hoping this blind date would lead to friendship, hot sex, and- dare I think it?- true love. Knowing my terrible luck, I recognized him the moment he stepped into that coffee-scented tourist trap. Yes, he was handsome, breathtaking actually, with wavy dark hair, and steel blue eyes. He looked to be very muscular as well, but I couldn’t get past what he was wearing. A pirate shirt.
Yes, a puffy sleeved, billowy shirt with a huge ruffle going right down the center. Oh…My…God. Who did this guy think he was, Adam Ant? Holy shit, man overboard. I can overlook a lot, but there are some things I simply cannot stomach- back hair, Republicans and pirate shirts. I was not about to walk dead man’s plank. As his gorgeous blue eyes nervously scanned the room, I simply got up and walked out, right past him. Thank God he’d never seen my photo! I felt just a smidge bad for the imitation Johnny Depp, but this date had a skull and cross bones all over it. Hopped up on caffeine, I exited Starbucks and ran all the way over to 42nd to catch the E train, Disappointed, yes, but at least I was dressed for this century.
Ahoy matey!
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