Fresh Direct

If you asked me what song from the 80s could serve as the perfect soundtrack for my sex life (‘cause you would totally ask me that), I’d have to say it’s Lisa Stansfield’s “All Around the World”. Remember that? I’ve been around the world and I, I, I/I Can’t find my baby…

It’s the Christopher Columbus in me, I just have to fuck as many different nationalities as anally possible.

The good thing about living in New York, though, is that you don’t have to go anywhere, because the world comes to you. So you can cherry pick which “culture” you are in the mood for exploring that day.

It kind of reminds me of when I used to peruse the international aisles of Woodman’s – this 24-hour grocery store in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin, where this bitch used to live -- when I was a struggling actress in the Midwest. They had little tacky paper flags representing each country (you know Midwesterners, so classy). It was pretty offensive shit too, like the picture of ultra-slanted-eyed children on the Thai aisle, sombrero drawings by the Mexican one. An illustration of Ground Zero, on the Middle-Eastern one.

But out of all the countries I’ve fucked, I’d have to say South America has been the most visited. And here is what I’ve learned about them:

1. Tunisia: they treat you like you are their property. Which is something American tops need to work on.

2. America: bring the Red Bull...Recommended for those who like to watch paint dry.

3. Brazil: perfect for lazy bottoms. Brazilians see you as a mere hole. They make no distinction between a woman, a tranny, a faggot or a hen. It’s all fuckable.

5. Trinidad & Tobago: Trinidadians won’t talk much, except to call you a bitch. Which is right out of “The Ideal Top” manual. Tobagoans will be married, which makes them must-fucks already.

6. Mexico: anyone who’s able to endure crossing the desert, barefooted and penniless, to live out his dream is an automatic top. And we like that.

7. El Salvador: they will cook you breakfast the day after, and take you out for wine. Oh, except that they will do that to a dozen other bottoms that same week.

8. Italy: fags. It still boggles my mind how Italian-Americans are so butch, but actual Italians are such pussies. Stay away. They will wrap their mouths around your extended clit and won’t let go!

9. Thailand: they don’t like foreplay. Just straight-up fucking. Which can be good if you’re gonna like, live with them so you don’t have to pay rent. They are done in less than 10 minutes. You can let them do their thing, pretend you came, then just jack off thinking about some other non-Asian dude.

10. Algeria: they not only slap your ass, they slap your face too. In public. Which throws you off the first time it happens. Then, you kind of get addicted.

11. Canada: bring a book. Seriously.

12. Cuba: they make no distinction between sex and rape. So it's basically like having sex with a rapist that you chose to rape you. And, then, have him cuddle with you afterwards. It's like the perfect rape.